Ear Candy
Ear Candy (April 30, 2008)
By
Apr 29, 2008, 10:34

Peanut Brittle MILF


Madonna
Hard Candy
Warner Bros

50 Cent already made a song called “Candy Shop,” and by the time he tapped Timba-Lake for “Ayo Technology,” the duo’s well had already begun to run dry. A recent Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall Of Fame inductee, it’s weird to see Madonna jumping on the bandwagon after “I need a hit worse than a crackhead” Fiddy Cent. But if Duran Duran could show up late to the party with Tim and Justin for their enjoyable Red Carpet Massacre, then maybe we can cut the 50-year-old momma some slack if she decides to cut a pure pop record with them and The Neptunes because with that kind of star power and big budget, it can’t suck …

Well, it does, but I won’t blame Madonna.

Her voice sounds better than Britney Spears', she looks better than Spears, too, and let’s face it: she can whoop any young pop princess' ass — plastic surgery works wonders, Madonna has turned into a porcelain doll. Like Chucky, but hot. On Blackout, Spears worked with the identical production team (Danja is Timbaland’s apprentice and the man many argue is responsible for the beatmaker’s hot streak) as Madonna did on Hard Candy. But Spears’ meltdown gave the songs on Blackout an edge and you could taste the hard drink in Britney’s hand. Hard Candy tastes more like a Werther's Original.

So what’s my beef with Hard Candy? Timbaland and The Neptunes are on cruise control, churning out mass amounts of bland candy corn when we want gushy, chewy, sour yet sweet Madonna bars. I read a recent interview with Madonna in Vanity Fair and the pop icon seemed quite content in middle-aged life, passionate about Kabbalah and becoming an activist when she adopted a baby boy from the AIDS ravaged country of Malawi in South Africa. So, perhaps as a result, super happy songs like “Incredible” and “Beat Goes On” are soundtracks for soccer moms who are getting laid and have it made in the shade. That’s not my problem though. Everything is just too crystal clear, there’s no grit here, and it’s swanky when I want slime. The anticlimactic first superstar single, “4 Minutes,” finds Timbaland going way back in his catalog, think Jay-Z’s “Hey Papi” and some of the Aaliyah classics for a recycled fart that sounds like bad plumbing, and Timberlake’s gall to shout out “Madonna” all over the track is extremely grating.

If Hard Candy proves anything, it’s that Madonna can hang with today’s top of the pops, able to work her mojo over top-tier producer gurus Timbaland and The Neptunes with ease. But rather than getting into the groove, the boys behind the boards play it safe as this stuff was much better the first go-round on Nelly Furtado’s Loose. For someone so cutting edge, I wish Madonna would’ve been reading blogs instead of the Billboard charts on this go-round. — THOMAS MATICH