What the hell, it's Christmas time already? It seems like only yesterday that we marched into the new year with the promise of a yearly line-up of big games to keep us busy all year. Alas, we sometimes forget that video games are a business, and to maximize sales, the best time for releases is in the lucrative Christmas season. What does that mean for you, intrepid consumer? It means that a SHITLOAD of games just came out in order to take your holiday dollars. So, here's your guide to what to buy for who.
As soon as you walk through the door at a Super Bowl party (or any party, really), you're being judged. Not just on the basis of your clothes or your haircut or the piece of toilet paper that's still stuck to your shoe (go ahead, take a moment to pick it off, we'll wait), but most especially your friends are judging you by what beer you walk in with. Your selection says something about you. It can make or break your friends' opinions of you, the impression you make on the cute guy or girl across the room, and the party itself. So now that we've built up all that unnecessary pressure, take a look at this list of beers you could bring to the big game shindig this Sunday and what they say about you – and treat this as sort of a horoscope of party beers. And sorry for making you feel all self-conscious and stuff. But seriously, do something about that toilet paper.
PBR: You like to party. You are thrifty with your money, and there isn't a single dude or dudette at this party who is going to give you shit for your choice (hipsters love it and beer gurus have time and time again chosen it as winner in a blind taste test during beer competitions – look it up). Nicely done, even if you didn't foresee such a monumental victory coming from grabing the simple-looking sixer at the gas station.
Amstel Light: You're the one looking for an alternative to distinguish yourself from the rest of the pack, without coming across as too pretentious – and we respect that. You probably wear a solid color hoodie from American Apparel. Congrats, nobody is going to complain about your selection. This is the Hennessy of light beers.
Dos Equis: Okay, so you obviously think you're pretty slick. The average person would've reached for a Corona when considering what Mexican beer to pair with the salsa they're bringing to the shindig (by the way, grab guac – everybody brings salsa). But no, you grabbed the beer of the Most Interesting Man in the World. Nicely done. Not only is XX the underdog, but it's a great conversation starter.
Heineken: "You brought Heineken? Wow! That's foreign, right?" is probably the remark you were looking for when you walked through the door. You're the master of smoke and mirrors – you think you're being obscure because it's Dutch, delicious and entirely drinkable – but we all know it's no big trick to find these little green dudes at most major party stores. Good thinking.
Stella Artois: You are pretentious – but you're proud of it. When your friends talk a whole bunch of shit to you about bringing "the fancy beer," you don't even care. Because you are that cool. But keep in mind, we all saw those TV commercials too, so we know where you're coming from. Additional warning: if you show up with Stella's signature chalices and start saying "She is a thing of beauty" while you pour, you're just going to be tomorrow morning's YouTube fodder.
Atwater: All right, now we're talking. You went local, you probably actually went to a bit of trouble to find the stuff and you picked a damn good brew. Back in the day, you would have been considered a craft brew nerd for bringing a Michigan beer. But guess what – it's 2012, and you've actually reached the point where your friends will probably be impressed by your contribution to the evening. Hell, they may even stop conveniently "forgetting" to invite you to their other parties. Given your penchant for local love, you also probably brought McClure's Pickles to the party too – damn, you are one smooth son of a bitch! | RDW