The Top Ten Worst “Worst Lists” List
By Mike McHone
Lists. Every website, entertainment magazine, and pop culture show has them. Sometimes they can be informative (much like the lists over at Cracked.com), but most of the time they’re bullshit strewn together by a bunch of wiseasses who can’t think of anything better to write. So keeping with that idea, I’ve written a list for you.
This particular list attacks other lists and exposes (at least I hope it does) how sometimes very little imagination goes into these damn things and the results are almost always the same. It’s broken up into three parts: Worst Music Video Lists, Worst Song Lists, and Worst Artists Lists. So, read on, you sexy beast, and enjoy the shit out of this shit.
PART ONE: WORST MUSIC VIDEO LISTS
#10: The 50 Worst Music Videos from NME (2012)
NME (New Musical Express) has been a respected source on music in the UK and the rest of the world for the past 60 years. They were there long before Rolling Stone and Spin, and continue to put out some quality interviews and articles… which is why it’s so strange that their music video list sucks.
Right off the bat we can see the list is in trouble considering they ranked Steel Panther’s “Fat Girl” at #41. Apparently no one told NME that Steel Panther is a parody band and that the video isn’t meant to be taken seriously.
And the obligatory entries start very early as well: #46 “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli, #45 “Ice, Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice, #44 “Wake Me Up” by Wham!, and #43 “Separate Ways” by Journey. Granted these are indeed horrible videos, but they’re so obvious! It’s nothing new. Why not make a list that doesn’t include these videos considering we expect them to show up?
It’s kind of like these bullshit “Greatest Guitarists” lists that Guitar World, Rolling Stone, and whoever else pukes out every so often. Why even write them?! You know Hendrix is going to be number one! And if it’s not him, it’ll be Eddie Van Halen! It’s expected. There’s no surprise. Get over it. Move on. Try something new.
#9: The 20 Worst Music Videos of All Time from shortattentionspan.net, broken up into two parts (2010)
Oh, look! Journey and Wham are back again! How lovely. And, hey, Vanilla Ice is back (with a not so brand new invention). But Robert Van Winkle (Vanilla’s real name, and why would someone want to change such a hardass name like that?!) makes this list with a video that ISN’T “Ice Ice Baby”. Well, that’s thinking outside the box for ya!
And, hey, check out the “Bonus” entry at the bottom of the first page. It’s Zlad’s “Electronic, Supersonic” which as most people who have been on the internet since forever have realized that it was a joke video. But apparently the boner that wrote this particular list didn’t get the joke and had to be told from a reader that it wasn’t an actual music video. Nice going, douche.
PART TWO: WORST SONGS LISTS
#8 The 10 Worst Songs of All Time (boston.com edition) (2008)
First we see Kevin Federline and then The Black Eyed Peas with “My Humps” (no surprises there). We also have Corey Hart at #7 with his song about wearing sunglasses when the sun isn’t even out.
Then when we get to #5, guess what? Journey’s back with – you guessed it! – “Separate Ways”! And then we have Billy Ray Cyrus at #4 with “Achy Breaky Heart”, and at #3 we have – oh snap! – Vanilla Fucking Ice with “Ice Ice Baby”! Starship and Don Johnson take the top two spots respectively.
#7 The 50 Worst Songs from Blender Magazine (2004)
I remember when this issue of Blender magazine came out a couple of years ago. I also remember thinking to myself “I’ll bet five bucks and my left testicle that ‘My Heart Will Go On’, ‘The Final Countdown’, and ‘Two Princes’ will be on the list.’” Well, both my balls are intact, because they were.
As was “Sunglasses at Night”, “The Greatest Love of All” from Whitney Houston, and “What’s Up” from 4 Non Blondes (also known as That One Karaoke Song That At Least One Drunk Chick Has to Belt Out at Any Fucking Bar that Offers Karaoke). But again, the obvious choices rear their ugly, greasy heads: Clay Aiken, Color Me Badd, and – guess what! – Vanilla Ice!
And that leads us to the next list…
#6 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever from VH1 (2004)
Long after VH1 stopped playing, you know, videos, and a couple of years before every other show was about wives of basketball players, drug addicts that act like complete dicks while in rehab, wives of mob bosses, drunken fools doing drunken foolish things, or wives of other people that got famous for no good reason, VH1 got in the list rut were every other special was the “10 Best” this or the “50 Best” that. Well, about eight year ago, we received this fucking thing.
In a nutshell, every single song that was mentioned above made the list. In fact (and this isn’t a joke) about 85 percent of what was on Blender’s list is on VH1’s list! And to take it even further, the top five worst songs on both lists ARE THE EXACT SAME ENTRIES IN THE EXACT SAME ORDER! I actually had to triple check my research to make sure I was writing about two separate lists and not the same one! Nice going, VH1! If you’re going to rip someone off, don’t make it so goddamn glaringly obvious next time.
#5 50 Worst Songs of the 2000s (2009)
Again, no surprises. The ear rape known as the “Crazy Frog” song came in at number five. And you have “My Humps” (see: almost every other list we already mentioned) which came in at number two. And in what has to be the most giggle-inducing and yet unwitting form of music scandal related irony, R. Kelly goes *ahem* number one with “Trapped in the Closet”. Yeah, I went there. I’m not proud of it, but whatever.
#4 100 Worst Songs of All Time (The AOL music blog edition)(2010)
Blah, blah, blah, everything that was already mentioned, blah, blah, blah. And this is the third list where “Ice Ice Baby” takes the number three spot for worst song.
“In the dictionary under ‘redundant’ it says, ‘See redundant’.” – Robin Williams (back when he was on coke and still funny)
PART THREE: WORST BAND LISTS
#3 20 Worst Bands (LA Times edition) (2012)
Again, not many surprises over all courtesy of this blog by LA Weekly. After a few entries, they delve into bashing the Pussycat Dolls. Don’t get me wrong, aside from the looks, there’s nothing going on with that band musically, but – and I know I’m sounding like a broken record here – why state the obvious? Why go for the easy target? The Pussycat Dolls are just an easy way for a record company to make money, and really the corporate suits are just following the time tested Sun Tzu proverb wherein the Chinese warlord himself states: “Hot bitches can sell any-motherfuckin’-thing, son. Believe that shit.”
No. Wait. That was Snoop Dogg. Sorry.
Anyway, I was going to let the LA Weekly go about its way and not include it here, but they pissed me off. You see, boys, girls, and hermaphrodites, they had to go and expose their true musical ignorance by including Rush on the list. Granted, Rush is a band that you either love or hate, but the list goes on to state the following: “It's often said that people either love Rush or hate them, but a more accurate statement is that most people hate Rush, while a scattered few really love them.”
Really? A “scattered few”? Let’s see… They’re the most successful Canadian group of all time; the second most successful North American group of all time; they have more gold and platinum records than any other group in the history of music (excluding The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and KISS); they are songwriting Hall of Fame inductees and Juno Lifetime Achievement Award Recipients, as well as multiple Grammy nominations; they have a drummer that has received more accolades than any other rock drummer in music history; they have toured and sold out concerts around the world for nearly four decades, and they’ve only had one line-up change and have maintained the same members for 38 years.
The simple fact is, a band doesn’t last for nearly forty years and outsell almost every single one of their contemporaries as well as their influences and continue to sell out venues over and over again across the globe by just having a “few” fans. The math doesn’t add up.
In other words, fuck off, LA Weekly.
#2 50 Worst Bands of All Time (The Blender Edition) (2004)
Someone at Blender must’ve really hated The Doors considering they make this list and they made the 50 Worst Songs list with “The End”. In other words, complete fucking idiots used to work at Blender. (It’s probably why that average-at-best rag is no longer being published.)
And I.CP., Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Michael Bolton, Kenny G, and Starship all crack the top five. You know, dedicating publishing money and print space to point out that these bands suck is kind of like sinking hundreds of thousands of dollars into publishing a book that says on every single page “Water is wet. The sky is blue. Boobs are neat.” We get it!! Come up with something original!!
#1 The Worst Bands Ever (Ranker.com edition) (2011)
Nickleback is number one, so let’s just get that out of the way, first off. Anyone want to guess as to which artist is number two?
Bieber. Yep. Bieber. And the Jonas Bros. are also in the top ten.
Here’s the problem with hating on guys like Bieber and the Jonas Bros.: In a few years, you’re going to look a moron if you’re still bashing them, and if you have anything written down on something like, say, the internet, in the future people can look back on your material and laugh at how out of touch with the modern times your shit is.
Take Hanson for example. Fifteen years ago all the bile and venom aimed at Justin Bieber was tossed Hanson’s way. Every TV talk show host ripped on them and even Dennis Leary had a crack at them on his “Lock and Load” album back in 1997. Go ahead. Go to You Tube and look up some of the jokes about Hanson. Notice anything? Yeah, the stuff either sounds dated as hell or it sounds like almost exactly the same stuff you hear about Bieber.
And before Hanson, it was Menudo. Before them, it was Lief Garrett. Before him, it was the Osmonds. Before them, it was Frankie Avalon. Look, as long as there are melodies and there are young people with perfect skin and nice hair to sing such melodies, you’re going to have pop music. So why waste the energy hating on them? It’s pointless really. Instead be like me, and bash the people bashing the easy targets. It’s a lot of fun. And people will love you for it. And you get laid all the time.
Okay, that last sentence was a bit of fiction. You only get laid two or three times a day.