Make Your Own Porn 

But Please, Do it Right

[image-1]
Make Your Own Porn
But Please, Do it Right

For a long time now, people have been resorting to homemade porn to get their rocks off. Maybe the Internet has oversaturated us with images of others getting it on; maybe the rise of high-quality consumer dv cameras has just made it that much easier or maybe people are just ultimately obsessed with themselves. Whatever it is, the tabloids, with the help of slutty celebrities, have proven that the self-made porno is alive and well.

That’s fine. But come on, if you’re gonna do it, do it right. Like Evan in Superbad, I’d like a little production value in my pornography. Hell, even if you’re not planning on leaking it to the Internet and just intending to watch it alone in your bedroom with the lights off and the shades drawn tight, get it right! Here are some tips for raising the cinematic quality of your personal sex tapes:
  1. Lighting, Lighting, Lighting!
    Fuck night-vision, light that sucker up sexy. Don’t put any halogen lamps on or anything, it’s not totally hot to hump in a bright-as-day room, but do bust out some mood lighting. Candles, red light bulbs, patterned china balls (huh huh … china balls), lava lamps, whatever you have lying around that can sex up the shot, use it! And check your f-stop. Got your exposure set right? Well, then f-start.
  2. Get a Tripod.
    Yes, it sounds like a nickname for a dude with a gigantic wenis. Yes, it sounds like a sexual encounter that could involve three separate peeps (what the hell, why not? cast some extras), but it’s also something that you can throw a camera on. Do it! You’re gonna want some handheld shots in there, a little POV action, but if the whole thing looks like the The Blair Fuck Project, the replay value will be minimal. Get classy … this from the guy who brought you the idea of the nut-inclusive condom.
  3. Score!
    Music is everything. So, unless you’re planning on dumping all of your footage into Final Cut and doing some post-production work on it (worth considering …) you have to set the right mood during the shoot. Make a mix, burn it to a disc, hit play, three, two, one, action. But please, avoid obvious clichés. Do not (do NOT) use “Let’s Get It On.” Suggested tracks: Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” if you’re feeling dirty, Nine Inch Nail’s “Closer” if you’re feeling raunchy or “I Just Wanna Lay Around All Day in Bed With You” by The Coup, if you wanna slow it up and get all kinds of sexy.
  4. Pre-Produce Before You Reproduce.
    You don’t wanna get too anal (huh huh) with your pre-production, leave some room for spur of the moment magic, but if you’re feeling like planning in advance of the shoot, go ahead and work out some angles, plan some shots, design new positions the two (or more) of you can try out. And if you’re feeling extra creative, give your fuck flick a storyline. Here’s a freebie: he’s a zoologist with a checkered past, she’s a Brazilian snake charmer with an oral fixation. Action! Perhaps the most important preproduction: physical fitness. Come on, man. Do some sit-ups. No one wants to look at her past your belly.
  5. Get the Money Shot.
    It’s like the kiss at the wedding; you only have the one shot at it. Don’t fuck it up.  | RDW


© Copyright by RealDetroitWeekly.com

But Please, Do it Right
Favorite

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Latest in Features

  • Top Ten Cannabis Strains

    Some of us are novices when it comes to the land of medical cannabis, while others are wearing a crown made with gilded pot leaves. Either way, venturing through the land of medical marihuana can be trepidatious, especially when you aren't sure what exactly you should be smoking (or eating) to get the desired benefits and effects.
    • Apr 16, 2014
  • How Does Your Garden Grow

    • Apr 16, 2014
  • Doing, Don'ting and Smoking

    Using Medical Marihuana Legally
    • Apr 16, 2014
  • More »

Most Commented On

© 2014 Real Detroit Weekly, LLC | 615 S. Washington Ave (2nd Floor), Royal Oak, MI 48067 | RSS


Website powered by Foundation