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#1 Stunna
I cannot avoid any story that in any way relates to Michael Jackson. So when I read “Stun Gun” and “Michael Jackson” in the same headline, I knew it was bound to be fantastic. I won’t bore you with the journalistic side of the hows and whys, but Jermaine Jackson’s 13-year-old son bought a stun gun with the intention of stunning Michael Jackson’s son, Blanket.

You know what? I say let him go for it. If I had a cousin named Blanket I would hit him with a pillowcase full of nickels, and put thumbtacks in his shoes and all of that stuff. You don’t walk around with the name “Blanket” and pretend like you’re not going to take a little abuse. Even then, what is that kid going to say? “I’m going to tell my bleached white, drug addict, pedophile dad on you!” Stun him, kid. Stun him!

Consider This a PSA
I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about Marie Osmond, or that I even knew she had a son ... but apparently he took his own life last week. This seems to be going around lately. This guy texts his friend that there is a letter waiting for her on his bed, and then goes silent. She shows up to find the letter which mentioned his “love for his family” and referenced that he wanted to be at peace. At peace? Dude, I love being at peace. I would try yoga, I’d get a zen garden, I’d even buy one of those desktop fountains where the water runs over rocks to make me feel serene. You know what I wouldn’t do? Throw myself over a balcony. What is so peaceful about that? I would say that you had to be out of your goddamn mind to do something like that but, clearly, that’s usually the case. Hey, if that’s your peace then good for you. Have a nice trip. See you next fall.

Save the Chicks
So the UN is launching some campaign to make lives better for girls in underdeveloped countries. That sounds lovely. The face of this campaign is going to be Ivanka Trump. Wait. What? I’m not sure how someone born into riches is going to come across as the spokesperson for 17-year-old girls with four kids and AIDS who only get to eat a spoonful of rice every day, but I say go for it.

So this whole thing is supposed to make young teenage girls in the U.S. help empower young teenage girls worldwide and help them build schools and all of that nonsense? I don’t really know much, but what I do know is that there is nothing a teenage girl hates more than another teenage girl. They can’t even share a bathroom without it coming to shin kicking, name calling and hair pulling. This reminds me of a place I go where they put two dogs in a ring and one of them empowers the other to be better at biting and stuff. Good luck, UN.

Freakshow!
So, a brothel in Las Vegas is having an auction of items donated by prostitutes. These items will be “of a personal nature” — which to any sane human being just sounds a little fucking gross. The story continues by telling us that the money raised will go to a foundation that raises awareness of the emotional and sexual needs of the handicapped. Really? Seriously? I’m reading a story that involves prostitutes, handicapped people, used dildos and a nonprofit 501c? Incredible. I just kept reading thinking for sure they could include a midget, or a monkey with a glass eye or something.

On top of all of that, who is unaware that handicapped people have sexual needs? If you’ve ever set foot in Hamtramck you've seen that giant dude with monster teeth and stains all over his shirt trying to kiss girls’ hands. Not only am I aware of his sexual needs, I’m also aware of why they aren’t fulfilled ... uh, because he's disgusting.

Lessons Learned
I just found out that there is a ban on homosexuals donating blood from an article stating that Michigan senator Carl Levin wants to change that. Wow. So what’s next? I’m going to drink out of the same fountain as black people and women are going to start casting votes like they own this goddamn country? I’ll believe it when I see it.  | RDW



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