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Haiti? I Barely Knew He!
Look, I don’t want to come across as unsympathetic to the tragedy that happened in Haiti. People lost their homes and some lost their lives and that’s a real bummer, but at the end of the day ... stop acting like we’re not fucking broke. In between porno DVDs, I could have sworn I saw some news report that China had to step in and buy some of our bad debt so we don’t break the whole world, and still I have idiots like George Clooney on TV asking for me to pledge money. Money? George, if it cost a nickel to shit I’d have to fucking throw up. Not to mention, I glanced at the list of countries that offered us help after Katrina: Guatemala, Guyana, Honduras, Hungary, Iceland ... hey, it’s alphabetical! Hey, wait!

Apple Unveils iPad
Last week Apple unveiled its iPad, which will be one of those things that morons use to read books digitally. The MP3 player was an amazing idea — all of my music in a little square device that would play it for me is cool with me. Brilliant even, since I can’t really lug around a bunch of CDs or records. Now, these devices to make books portable? Books are already fucking portable. You can already take your copy of whatever garbage Chuck Klosterman or David Sedaris book you think is awesome and hip with you to the park, or to work or to the bar by yourself with your notebook so you can look like an idiot and annoy me.

I hope as a response to this, people start printing books the size of those enormous gag greeting cards that people bring to the office when you turn 40. When Anna Karenina comes out as a three-foot tall book, at least I won’t want to punch you in the head when you say, “Glad I got this iPad!”

Tiger Stuff
A photo of Tiger Woods surfaced from the sex rehab clinic, which is barely even newsworthy considering the bombshell one of his thousands of mistresses dropped last week, claiming his sexual fantasies were: “not normal.” The normal me would ask, "Whose are?" Hell, in my bottom drawer you’ll find a ball-gag, a packet of sea monkeys and a cape. Don’t fucking judge me. Still, when the Tiger Woods broad started to elaborate, she claimed that he was into “girls performing girl-on-girl and guys entertaining guys.” I don’t know. A black dude who wears a ton of khakis and polo shirts? I've had him figured as gay for a while.

Chris Matthews is Forgetful!
Chris Matthews, the host of the political talk show Hardball on MSNBC, went on the air after President Obama’s State of the Union address and claimed he “forgot [Obama] was black.” Maybe that’s not a big deal, I don’t know. Then again, I’m always walking around saying shit like, “Hey, that Mexican guy is pretty smart!” and, “Why doesn’t that oriental broad ever put my rice in my bag?” I’m probably not the greatest person to weigh in on such an issue. I keep most of my racial slurs and stereotypes confined to my house, or my friends’ houses, or the Internet, or this paper; I certainly would bust out on MSNBC with it. ‘Dat's racist!

FoMoCo$
Ford Motor Company just announced that it posted its first annual profit in the last four years. The profit? Four-point-seven billion dollars. That’s amazing, and congratulations and yay Detroit ... err ... Dearborn! Now, I have a plan. Take a small percentage of that, Ford, and buy Haiti. We bought the whole middle of America off of France for like 15 million dollars, and that was back in 1803 when the economy was booming.

A quick Google search of Haiti informed me that it exports string and coffee, and imports food, fuel and energy. So, it’s a place that has nothing and needs everything and it’s destroyed? Go in there with 10 grand and a machete, Ford. Or, you can buy Saturn and bring back the 1992 SL2! Your call.  | RDW

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