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Lowdown (February 24, 2010) 

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Elton on JC
In an interview with Parade magazine, Sir Elton John dropped a quote that he absolutely had to know was going to stir the pot a bit: "I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems," he said. "On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him." So now, all the Jesus folk are going to get all worked up. That's not really news though, because they're always worked up. Someone says Jesus was gay: Outrage. Someone says he was straight and fucking that Mary Magdalene chick: Outrage. Look. I'm not a biblical scholar, but if this dude was rising from the dead and walking on water, and turning piss to wine ... then he was fucking whoever he wanted to. Guys, girls, that talking donkey and one of everything on Noah's ark. All I know is talking about the sexuality of anyone thousands of years after his death is ridiculous.

Kevin Smith — XXXL
Kevin Smith was asked to leave a plane because he took up more than one seat. He's already come out and said that he knows he's fat, but that he fit into the seat just fine. I'd be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, I guess, but the part of the story that really makes me wonder is that he repeatedly buys two seats. On this occasion, there was only one seat available so he gave it a go. Fail. His excuse is that he buys two seats because they're cheap, not because his ass is the size of two over-inflated beach balls. You know what? I can get with that. Ever since Burger King has been offering their double cheeseburgers for 99 cents I usually buy four. Not because I'm a big fat fatty from Cincinnati, but because they are cheap. Yeah. Right.

Sarah Silverman — Pro-Fatty
Someone who is pro-fatty is Sarah Silverman. She recently was asked if anything offends her, and she actually had an answer. "I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically." Wow. How fucking progressive. The thing is, girls who want to avoid fat jokes have a few options. One, of course, is to have a famous comedian come out on CNN and say that it's not funny. That might work ... or how about having a fucking salad every once in awhile? I hate comedians as it is, but now they are going to start trying to dictate what is funny and what isn't? Everything is funny to someone. 9/11 jokes, black jokes, white jokes, dick jokes, fat jokes ... I say just go for it. If some fat broad gets all bent out of shape (round! ha!) about a joke, she can always curl up with a half-gallon of ice cream and cry about how the world is unfair and that she has a thyroid problem.

Doctors Leave Foot Long Instrument in Woman? Wow.
Czech doctors have found out that a woman's stomach pains over the last five months have been caused by a foot-long medical instrument that was accidentally left inside of her. Of course someone asked the quacks at the clinic how something like this could happen, and at least they have a pretty decent answer. "A series of individual failures." Really? You think so? A foot-long device left during gynecological surgery, and that's a failure? Most women would love to have a foot-long device jammed up in their abdomen ... they would just prefer you took it with you and tossed the Magnum condom out when you were finished.

Let's Hear it, Eldrick
So last week Tiger made his first public appearance since his wife busted his head with a golf club on Thanksgiving. "I am deeply sorry ..." That's what you brought to the table? That and begging for privacy? First off, having a press conference without taking questions is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. You know, when you have a gazillion dollars and happen to be bigger than the sport you play ... you don't really get privacy. Couple that with the fact that you banged 15 women, none of whom were your wife, and you kind of have to roll with the punches, or in this case — gold club swings. Then he delivered his revelation that he has to live within the same boundaries as everyone else. Hey. Dickface? You hit a little ball in a little hole. How the fuck could you possibly think that gives you any personal exemptions from being a decent human being? Writing some gossip column? Now that's a different story ...  | RDW

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