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Lowdown (August 08, 2007) 

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First off, I would like to thank Rachel from Ann Arbor for that touching letter last week. I hope you are over the trauma caused by me ruining Harry Potter’s last book for you. Nothing shows class like ending a letter to me with “Fuck You.” I hope you continue being a loyal reader of the Lowdown here in Real Detroit.

DB = Drunk Blogging
Roseanne Barr has always been known as being a foul mouthed hooker, but has kept quiet in recent years — up until this week!  Seems that (supposedly) she has been letting off drunk typing tirades on her Myspace blog. You should read for yourself so you can get some laughs: myspace.com/rosannecherriebarr.  Some clips that had me laughing were about Barbara Walters being like Joan Rivers, “All Head” and “Well over 100 years old.” Roseanne also claims to “like drinking alone and writing short stories.” So awesome!

Father Of The Year
Axel Foley, aka Eddie Murphy, has finally admitted publicly to fathering the child of Scary Spice, aka Mel B, y’all! I doubt he will be receiving the Father of the Year award anytime soon since he denied being the father of this child as soon as he caught wind that she was preggers. Mel B wasn’t taking this Beverly Hills Cop’s shit and quickly filed a paternity lawsuit against Eddie. He has now been caught pants down and wallet open and will be paying for this one for a loooooong time. And in other Eddie Murphy news, he is engaged to Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds' ex-wife, Tracey. Note: Eddie has five other children with his ex-wife. Vasectomy, anyone?

Rejoice!
Usher R-A-Y-M-O-N-D and his woman Tameekoo, or whatever her name is, finally tied the knot this past weekend in a small ceremony at his attorney's office. I mean, honestly, who calls off a wedding the week before in the Hamptons, at a huge mansion no less, with top chefs from around the world, amazing entertainment for the reception and every vendor paid-in-full only to end up a week later inside a fucking lawyer's office in the ATL with Momma Usher as the witness? Fucking whack jobs! I give it one year and then the divorce papers are filed.

Water Spots
Looks like the new “it” thing to do as a musician is to perform on the water. John Mayer has chartered a yacht, a big-ass boat or whatever you would like to call it, and is inviting his friends along to perform on this special cruise. Tickets will be available soon at mayercraftcarrier.com.

Make sure you reserve your front row tickets so you can see Mr. Mayer make all his “I have to shit so bad” faces while he sings. Maybe Jessica Simpson will show up for some ex-sex?

Boner Material Of The Week
Rihanna on the cover of German Maxim. Wa Wa Wee Waa!

Shit You Need To Know
  • VH1 has picked up another season of the worst reality show in history. Look out for the new Flavor of Love with none other than Flaaaaaaaaaaaaavor Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav!
  • Anyone going to see Jennifer Lopez and hubby Marc Anthony’s new movie El Cantante? Prob not! Didn’t she get a hint on the last movie she did with her then-fiancé Ben Affleck? Another BOOOOOOOMB for Ms. Old Booty! 
  • Former Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev is the new face of Louis Vuitton, replacing coke-fiend Lindsay Blowhan. Maybe they will be releasing a new bag with a gigantic stain on it reminiscent of the blob on Mikhail’s melon? 
  • Lollapalooza happened this past weekend in Chicago and word is Amy Winehouse actually didn’t cancel and she showed up on time, performed and didn’t even spit on any of her fans. I’m surprised she wasn’t drunk with a tampon string hanging out of her shorts claiming to be the female savior. Girl is weeeeeiiiiirrrrddddd but she can SAAAANG!
Rizzle’s Picks Of The Week
  1. Rebtel.com — cheap international calling.
  2. Olly Girls on E! Network’s Sunset Tan — stupid, yet hot.
  3. Joe Dirt DVD — nothing better than watching white trash for breakfast.  | RDW
gossipologist: letters@realdetroitweekly.com.

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