Is it just me, or were the VMAs both the best in years...and the absolute worst?
For starters, a "watered down" Kevin Hart still beats Billy Crystal or whoever the fuck usually babysits the shark-jumped award show. Censored and scripted Hart isn't the funniest thing ever, but it tops pretty much anyone else they could have invited to host (with the exception of maybe a half-drunk Stephen Hawking).
And then there were the awful performances. With the exception of Frank Ocean (does his sexuality even matter? Shut the fuck up EVERYONE), that was single-handedly the worst display of musical talent that I've seen in years. Nicki Minaj actually flowed better in her 30 seconds of stealing the spotlight from Alicia Keys (how is she still hot after JUST having given birth to a child?) than 2Chainz and Lil Wayne combined. Yeah, live hip-hop is notoriously awful...but those two literally lowered the bar for horrible.
As far as audiences go, both general public and celebrity were uneventful and boring. No Bieber? No Eminem? No Kanye? No Beyonce? Lame. Give us a break — at the very least Bubba Sparxxx could have made a guest appearance.
And considering all that went into the 2012 VMAs, and considering MTV's attempt at throwing everything (including the kitchen sink) at their dwindling viewership — despite the gazillion dollars they spent on marketing for the show — there was really no saving it. Dwight Howard? Not impressed. The Olympic gymnastics team? Old news. Nicki Minaj's huge ass? Downright frightening.
All in all, the awards show was less than impressive. Yet, for some reason it gets a passing grade. Is it because MTV took a brief (two hours is better than nothing) respite from no longer being "music television" and instead now having fully adopted the "teenage pregnancy entertainment" theme? Perhaps. But I'll be honest, for one brief evening...it was at least something with a spark of variety.
I applaud the fact that these shows still exist. Some normalcy needs to remain in a crumbling industry, even if it means having an old-as-fuck pack of corn-fed mules like Green Day perform live.
Keep up the mediocre work, MTV. At least you're trying.
(Oh, and have Taylor Swift's legs ALWAYS been that long??)